I bet that Horse tastes good...

Like many others, I've watched The Biggest Loser and felt embarrassed witnessing obese people cry at the sight of a cheeseburger they've been forbidden to eat. I bet some people might think "Why is it so hard for them to just get over it? Surely feeling uncomfortable, bloated and tired should be enough to fuel their willpower?" Unfortunately, it's not as easy as all that. While their cases might seem extreme, regardless of how much weight you have to lose, be it 5 kilos or 50 kilos, it really isn't always as simple as just "getting over it" and getting back into shape. Despite what some fads may claim, willpower is a must, and in my case it's been the psychological demon that needs tackling first.

It wasn't until I started a "wellness diet" to kick my wayward hormones back into shape (and let's admit it, to "lose a few"), that I realised how much of an emotional attachment I have to food! Any food. For years (since I was about 11 or 12) I've been at the front line of a battle of the bulge and while I've "dieted" and exercised my heart out, never before have I been able to actually give up the food that I love or admit that perhaps I had "feelings" for that bowl of Cornflakes...Starting my current diet was painful, tiring and depressing, just like ending an emotionally abusive relationship with a human being.

I started out strong by making myself endure the monotony of the bland and lacklustre meals, most of them consisting of a small portion of protien, a boring selection of vegetables and two crackers. By the third week in I was 7 kilos lighter but utterly miserable and my pants wouldn't stay up. It wasn't long before I was crying on the shoulder of my wonderfully supportive partner "This isn't fair! I hate my diet, i'm not allowed to have anything. I just want to go out for dinner. Why do I have to go through this when others don't? UN. FAIR..." (I was legitimately teary over not being able to have a cone of chips at the Garden of Unearlthy Delights during the Fringe). I'd started to turn down dinner invitations or "drinks with the girls" because I couldn't bear the thought of sitting around sipping a soda water and nibbling on lettuce while my friends tucked into hearty looking dishes, washed down with any calorie-loaded beverage of their choice. It was torture!

Around this time I started to realise that my food addiction wasn't really about the food so much as the act of eating. Before the diet, any time I was bored, I'd eat. Any time I watched TV, I'd eat. Any time I went out, I'd eat. Then all of a sudden, I found myself doing the same activities, but the eating was missing and it felt strange. It took a while to get used to but once I realised that's all it was, I was able to put things in perspective. I had to rework my mindset and remind myself that the reason I enjoyed dining out so much was not just because of the food, but because of the atmosphere, the company, the conversation and the act of sitting down to a meal. So why stop doing it? I could still go out and be social, but order the salad. Likewise, I could still enjoy some down time in front of the tube without eating a packet of Tubes. Was this easy? Of course not! But it was the first hurdle cleared.

Now I'm at the 12 week mark, I'm feeling healthier and I have lost almost 17kg but none of this has gotten any easier. In fact, the more time that goes by, the harder it gets and the crazier I look craning my neck over someone else's plate to inhale the delicious aromas of a "real meal". Logically, it should be easier the closer I come to the finish, but I've found my willpower diminishing and my frustration growing. How much longer will I have to suffer without chocolate and chips??!! If I'm honest, it should be the rest of my life...

Clearly I'm not quite cured yet of my burning desire for "naughty" food, but for now I'll keep on with the rabbit food and try to remind myself/do my utmost to believe that nothing tastes as good as healthy feels.